Self-examination

Assalaamu'alaikum.

How time flies. It’s been nearly 4 months since I stepped my foot in Madrasah Wak Tanjong Al-Islamiah. Before I start, I would like to agree or highlight on one point, Modesty indeed, is the best virtue. Be humble; never be too confident.

Studied till late at night, exiting the LT(Lecture Theatre) yet with a balked face. It's a common thing though, way back in my previous school, but do i really have to repeat myself here in the new school? Do i really have to make history; as with regards to the O level, repeat itself? I've chosen this path, i should do my utter best. Forget about Poly. Keep the enrolment letter deep, deep down on the shelves or drawer; to the last piece amongst the stacks of books, papers and/or files.

Upon looking at those smart alecs, such as Zulzawaid, Nabil, Hakim, KZ, Siraaj, Nasir, Syafiq, Hariz and many more walking out of the LT, with their so-called stressed face, i know that they would do well, no doubt.

To think of it, I finally think that the most, core problem of this is that i do not have anything in mind to become in future. Not that i have none, but it's just that they are all in an unorganised, perplexed manner. A preacher, a lawyer, a Malay teacher, a lecturer, a Hadith scholar, a businessman, a designer. Oh just which is which. Sometimes, unlike many others, i would love to have someone to control my life, with regards to my future.

I shall now lay out my reasons for having all those ambitions.

A PREACHER

Oh this was my first ambition! Way back in my old days. This one lasted until Primary 6 if I’m not mistaken. What’s more, I still remember having Arabic, Nahu, Tarbiyyah and those theological subjects as my forte. I was even planning to go to Ummul Qura at Mecca. That was then however.

A LAWYER

Started since I was at Sec 2, late 2007 if I’m not mistaken. It was during this time that I lost my conscience. I was so looking forward into having a career which promises huge, big bucks. Within split seconds, all my passion towards Arabic were gone, just like that.

A MALAY TEACHER

After facing a sudden shock in my results at Secondary 3, I began to introspect myself. Where am I heading and stuff like that. I was getting a 5^th place in my class at Secondary 2. However, it dropped to the 9^th place at Secondary 3. Our form teacher was reading out the top 10s and one friend of mine, Nash, was waiting for my name to be announced. I can still remember his face when my name was being called up for the 9^th place, and he was like, “ Nufail, what happened?” I was of course, startled and remained quite besides giving merely a smile.

It was during that year, late 2008 that I, after much thought, seeked to Malay Language as a substitute for my crashed Arabic Language. I was so desperate I didn’t even know if I was making the right decision. But Alhamdulillah still, after giving my all out in the subject, I ever got highest in class, in the cohort even. Having attained that kind of achievement, I began to think of the possibilities of me being a Malay Teacher. What’s more, a Mother Tongue Teacher is indeed in demand. It was fantastic to me, well at least at that point of time.

A LECTURER

This was quite funny to me. I didn’t even think of becoming this one actually. It was my friends’ suggestion.

A HADITH SCHOLAR

I don’t know. For some reason, this ambition of mine came during my this time, at Pre-U level. I was so frustrated at seeing those FAKE hadiths being used by some people, even by some Islamic well-known scholars. I was seriously infuriated at the fact that some people are still using it to protect or defend their religious practices which actually have no examples from the prophet or even his companions. What’s more, there are some other sects out there, happily using this hadiths to protect their teachings. To conclude, they are preparing themselves for the Fire. May they receive His guidance.

A BUSINESSMAN

I am not referring this to those at the offices, doing paper works, proposals and things like that. Instead what I meant here was simply a businessman which handles or owns a dessert restaurant. This is quite impossible though, I think.

A DESIGNER

Sometimes it’s really hard to gauge my skills in this arena or field. I don’t deny the fact that I have ever won a Third Prize National T-shirt Design Competition in 2008, but what really matters to me is that, am I really that good, or did I just won it coincidentally? I mean, that was my first time. How in the world could I have scored in it? Duh.

Essay competition I’ve ever won, poem-writing also a yes, designing stuff also concluded. Am I really that multi-talented? I don’t think so. Seriously. I can’t stop asking myself, was my winning really because of my talent of was it just a mere coincident; that is by luck?

Sometimes, I really wish to live in a Pokemon world, where my life revolves around it. To train my Pokemons, fight trainers, become the champion and continue the adventure. Wow I would say.

 At one point of time, I would very much like to be in a university, feeling the intense of getting a degree. Well I’ve heard many people say, “It’s just a few years. The aftermath will eventually lighten you up.”

That’s what they say which somehow motivates me into dreaming of going or entering the University.

As for the moment, i'm still uncertain over which university to further to after my A levels. University of Malaya(UM) or Islamic University of Madinah(IUM). If i proceed with UM, for sure i'll take Academy of Malay Studies, but if my choice were to be set at IUM, Darul Hadith it'll be, insyaAllah. O Allah, ease my endeavours.

Next up, Bahas 4PM. At first i was like, disheartened at the fact that i'm not chosen to represent the school for the competition and that I’ve made my stand to not to try again next year. However, upon much consideration, i've decided to make my dreams of entering the Bahas 4PM come true. I'll try my utter best next year. All out. Long live Madrasah, Long live MWTI !

After much introspection, I still can’t decide. I am still uncertain. Am I a hands-on person in the sense where I prefer practical doings than theoretical or am I really the theoretical sort? One moment I like being in front, in the sense where I like my voices to be heard, I like to be in debates, involved in public speaking and stuff like that, but at other instance, I would prefer something that requires not the mouth but the hands which equals to being practical such as designing, carry items, heavy stuffs and all.

Speaking of carrying stuff, I’ve been asking myself lately of the reason behind my lifting of dumbbells, jogging round the stadium and such. There is probably one thing on my mind, to keep myself fit with accordance to my diet; in the sense where I want myself to be able to eat more than my usual daily diet. Well you know, one that exercises will naturally eat more than those who doesn't. I am underweight for years. Yup, till now, and I know it’s not healthy to have a weight which is less than or equal to 50 kilo; with a height of more or less 165cm. 

Wow, I think this has got to be my longest post so far. I shall not continue any further.

Till then, 

Assalaamu'alaikum.