The intricate life; an uncertain spirit.

Assalamu'alaikum..

How time flies, it has been a year since i graduated from Irsyad. I still treasure the relationships i have during my times there. The teachers, cleaners, friends, mentees and so on are all still fresh in this head of mine. The new building however does not really have much significance in me as i merely spent a year plus in it. The old building on the other hand, the one that resides at the Winstedt Road; better known by the name Newton, had left indeed many memories. The classic look, besides being spooky enough, seriously is able to move anyone into tears.

Back to the topic. A friend. A close friend. A bestfriend. Just which is which. What i know is, i do have many friends, few close friends and an even fewer or probably just one bestfriend. Oftentimes i would ask myself, are they really befriending me for the sake of wanting me to be their mediator; as with regards to helping them wooing a certain girl, or are they really sincere in having this friendship. Sometimes i really wonder how in the world could my bestfriend be someone from other school. Even suprising, i have not even seen her face. It is great knowing her though. What i like about her is that, she has what is in me, not everything of course, but quite a few things. For example, we sometimes want a company, friends we can talk to or play with, but after a few hours or days, we started to feel uncomfortable and stuff. Indeed i can't deny the fact that we seem anti-social, but in actual fact, we are not likewise.

I dare say I am not looking down at anyone, neither am i a proud or a snobbish person. I may not talk to you not because I am arrogant but the reason being, simple – I know not what to talk about.  I can't deny the fact that i am an introvert to start with, but once you know me, once you talk to me, I am far from what you think of me, that is snobbish.

I had deactivated my Facebook account recently. Reason being simple, i want to concentrate on my studies, and I really mean it this time, insyaAllah. Though one may say i could activate it within just a click, but the thought of having zero Facebook-related emails really eases me. Alhamdulillah.

Oftentimes, people mistook my kindness for love. I don’t know, I have had quite a few girls who said they like(d) me. There was once when I was helping a female friend passing letters to my mate. After that mate of mine answered not a single letter from her, she felt her presence not welcomed. Unaware of her feelings, she started passing letters to me; meant for me. Indeed at some point of time I did feel since many of my friends have girlfriends, why shouldn’t I? Alhamdulillah though, my conscience didn’t get the better of me. I managed to reject her, though there may be some problems in between it. 

There is indeed truth in the saying, " Jack of all trades, a master to none. "

It is not easy being an average person, who had scored, at least once, an A for each and every subject he has took before, who had once became one of the top 3 in the class, who had never got or been kicked out from being one of the top 10 in class since Secondary 1 to 5.

You're good at hosting an event, you're good at designing. Yet you can't seem to choose which of those you are really interested in or you're really good at. You like debates, you like Malay, Arabic and English. Simply because you have ever got an A1 for the subjects. You've got a brother who is at the current moment, studying at a University in Madinah, Saudi Arabia, and you can't easily escape from the thoughts and minds of everyone thinking that you yourself is just as good as your brother. Good at studies, especially in the theological sides, as well as in the sporting arena - Soccer, Athletics etc.

Now you get A1. The next moment, B4, C6 or worse D7 or F9. That's exactly me. Inconsistency, lack of self-esteem, or bemused?

The moment people starting to label you as a smart guy, though you yourself deny it, challenges, high expectations will begin to 'haunt' you. Sometimes you don't even know if you're really as smart or as good as what people classified you to be. Sometimes you didn't even realise that you're actually paying too much of your sedulous attention to it. Or that you're trying your best to give them a taste of your quality. Some people would treat it as a blessing upon looking at or talking to you. The happiness that radiates, though at times was a fictitious one, seems to be a delight for them to watch. At a point of time, you would ask yourself, " Are you really doing all this for the sake of your ownself or the others' instead? "

 (Excerpts from the Uncertainty post dated March 17 2011)

With that, i shall close my post. Do pray for my success. 

Assalaamu'alaikum.