Why.

Assalamu'alaikum,

This post is suppose to be in Malay, but I can't be that expressive to write it in that language for this specific post, I guess? Though I can't be that formal, and please, pardon my English.

Hmm.

I had a talk yesterday with this friend of mine, whom i had just knew him for like, a few months(?), and i don't know why but i just can't help but feel so bad at myself for wasting his time maybe(?). Especially since he's the President, and he's one of the school debators, and well you know, a degree student. 

Though one thing's for sure, he's a good guy, and right after my sharing of my experiences, from one story to another, I can't help but to ask myself, a lot of questions. To be honest, I can't sleep yesterday, thinking of why did i do that? Why was I trying so hard to let him understand my situation?

We can't choose our family, in fact, do even choose our friends? Or is it all destined? I remember once my bestfriend said to me,"There must be a reason right as to why we're this close?"

Sometimes, I don't even know what I really want. Being brought up in a religious environment, and in an 'elite' kind of family; where all of them excelled in both education and sports (see: A confession), and you being the latebloomer, it makes you wonder, and question a lot. Seriously not a day passes now that I not ask myself, why am I still alive? Not to forget that appalling experience you had when you were just about 6, and how your beau simply chucked you off for another guy when you were in your 2nd year in the U.

All in all, it makes you ponder, a lot. I even shared with him my results for this sem, and shortly after, i said to myself, "Why did i do that, what did i just tell him? Was I trying say I am smart, or that I 'm just as good as my brothers?"

Ya Allah. At times, seriously, I don't even know what am I trying to prove.

Truthfully, up till now, not many know what really happened to me when i was in Jordan and Medina, and Singapore and Malaysia, let alone when I was 6 years old. I oftentimes say to myself, I am not cute, nor do I look good, but why do I still get tested like this. I have lots of friends who are even better looking, more cuter, more muscular.. and there are also some friends of mine that are even softer than I am, but even they do not face what I experience, (and am still experiencing it though).

When people say it was due to the fact that i am soft that I was being treated that way, at first I kind of accept it, but when I actually meet face to face with really soft people, or with a 'mak nyah' even, the reaction that I got was not like what i expected it to be. Some of them give me that seductive look, send me dirty messages and the list just goes on. I even heard whispers they said to their members, "oh boleh tahan !" or "oh hensem mude budak ni (sometimes they would address me as an Ust even upon seeing my beard)".

Do I really look and behave like what a normal guy should? Or was it the mindset to not wanting to be in their circle that prompts me into acting automatically like a normal guy? Seriously, I an confused, up till now. Many a times even, when I was going out with my best friend, I asked him, "Ana ok tak tadi?" or "Ana lembut ke tadi ngn dorang?" Sometimes the answer was a yes, and sometimes it was the opposite. So you see, what am I actually? Why was I created like this? Was it due to the reverse psychology I have had since I was 6 that made me kind of like having a split personality, or was it what?

I can't even think straight right now.
Allah Al-Musta'aan.

Nilai, Negeri Sembilan.