Assalamu'alaikum,
Allow me to write this continuation (from my previous post: Luluh) in English.
Before anything, i would like to make it clear that my life isn't all dark and gloomy, and for that, I am grateful.
Yes I do think I an under depression, but it is under control, insyaAllah, due to my well family upbringing; that ultimately put religion atop our lives, hence enabling me to always see the light at the end of every tunnel. Never have they make me feel as though i am being a disparage to the family, though I cannot deny how I felt so low when looking at my brothers' achievements.
(But) instead of putting all blames on His ordains, I believe all these life experiences do have a wisdom behind it, to make me an even stronger individual. What is past is past, and though I won't dwell on it, I won't forget the events. Dwelling on something is like putting a huge rock in front of you, which means you know you can't pass over it, but you would still expect a miracle so that you would eventually be able to cross it, when at the end of the day, you wouldn't still be able to move forward.
When I keep bringing up my past, I'm not dwelling on it, but rather I treat it as a form of self-learning, in which I try to make sense of everything that had happened. I believe that no matter what, we cannot deny that it ever happened, right? So instead of simply wishing we could ever go back in time to rectify our mistakes and all, why not we just accept the fact that we are indeed born to, learn from the past? In a way, it's therapeutic.
Some of you might be wondering as to why I wrote this. Well there are some occurrences that actually sparked my emotions before but the one that I didn't initially expect it to trigger me that much was when I saw the initiative done by my friend who's currently doing her postgrad in Jordan. I was at first feeling elated at her approach in motivating hence inspiring our youths out there into becoming better Muslims. Then I saw the posters where she put each and every invited speaker's brief biography where in it contain their achievements in life. Here was where my emotions set off, but no, I am not criticising her nor her invited speakers. Just that when i saw it, I kinda ask myself, "Wait, just what are my achievements eh?" which was then being answered -of course by myself-, "No I don't have any."
Before I continue on, let me clarify that when I refer myself as a latebloomer, I do not mean that I am all smart or flawless now. No, and I do not in any way say that I am the equivalent of, say, Zulzawaid, Isa Zaini, Zahra, Akmal, Naufal, Zaid Ghazali, or even my current student body's President; Suhail. They are in their own league, while I am still carving out my path. It basically means that I am now all aware of what I am doing. I can now relate or put things into its place, better than before. I now do understand the importance of seeking, attaining and preserving good knowledge. Previously, whilst in Primary, Secondary and even Pre-U level, I could not care less of what I'll be taking (ie. the national exams or even the debates i entered). I still remembered one time when Hakim (famously known as Ibn Siddiq) showed me how 'bad' his results were for a subject i couldn't recall it now (I guess it was Sastera), I was totally astonished. He got 'A' kind of results but was still not happy as he thought that it was still low for him. I then gave him back his papers, went home as per normal, and hmm, did nothing to improve my score on that subject. In other words, my then aghast feeling was just a plain surprise (as he told me initially that his result was bad, when in fact it was not), nothing more; not motivated nor inspired, at all. Not because of the person or the results, but it was just my, well that was how bad my lateblooming story was.
To think again, my life back then was all plain and dull. I didn't study, didn't wanna mix that much with my friends, and the list just went on. I even made my first facebook account on my last day of school in Irsyad (at 17 years of age). Sometimes I wondered, how did i even survive living with that kind of mentality. Nevertheless, I am so grateful that He finally gives me the opportunity, to wake up, and to actually carve out or reshape my life. From not understanding a single Arabic Grammar; as to why this is considered Naib Fa-il, or that is considered Mudhof / Mudhof Ilaih, to actually being able to even teach others on the subject, even to those under the Arabic Language Faculty.
When I entered USIM (Islamic Science University of Malaysia), my class comprised of 'bapak hebat' students; both Masters' and PhDs'. There was even the Anugerah Pelajaran DiRaja student. It was as if I could hyperbolically see their future shines so bright. Well there were real researchers, working dentist, mathematicians, a lecturer and the list just goes on, but they were all so matured, and helpful too. For that, I thank Allah for this great opportunity. On a side note, there was even a course I participated in when I actually made friends with this Jordanian guy, who said that he would whip out the 'true' Mansaf dish for me (can't wait! hehe!).
Anyway, I have since deactivated my Instagram, Facebook and Twitter, only to retrieve both Fb and Twitter accounts 5 days after, for personal important reasons. All in all, I have actually learned a lot from being a latebloomer. I had learnt to be envious rather than a mere jealous or resentful. I had learnt to not be too hopeful, but rather doing your best in the most sincere way you can ever be. I had learnt also, not to be too judgemental over the people around me, and to always find the positivity in others. Ultimately, I had learnt that even if you are older than many others, you have to still be humble in every aspect of your life. Saifullah, Suhail, Sufyan, Ameen, Zaid and Firdaus are certainly younger than me, but undoubtedly, they are much better than me, in many ways and of course knowing a lot more than I do.
Though if there's one thing I disagree, is at the fact that some current students, just do not know some basic courtesy. Yes I am referring to what I've always stressed upon, that is, to at least say Thank You when your question(s) got addressed and/or answered. I am bewildered actually at the fact that the ones who do not have a religious background are the ones that at times, have one of the most respected trait. Yet, knowing and realising how low your worth is to many, you can't expect much. They should have their own commitments, and reasons. :)
Just that I would always remind myself to not do as such to others, even to the ones who had done it to me before. Well at least, my replying to their messages at their boredom, I hope might make them remember to pray for me (while they were scrolling down to their old whatsapp messages maybe), when I leave this world, soon.
اللهم أحيني ما كانت الحياة خيرًا لي، وتوفني إذا علمت الوفاة خيرًا لي
This, would suffice for now, insyaAllah.
Till the next post,
Wassalaamu'alaikum.
Allow me to write this continuation (from my previous post: Luluh) in English.
Before anything, i would like to make it clear that my life isn't all dark and gloomy, and for that, I am grateful.
See, i can still smile. hehe.
Yes I do think I an under depression, but it is under control, insyaAllah, due to my well family upbringing; that ultimately put religion atop our lives, hence enabling me to always see the light at the end of every tunnel. Never have they make me feel as though i am being a disparage to the family, though I cannot deny how I felt so low when looking at my brothers' achievements.
(But) instead of putting all blames on His ordains, I believe all these life experiences do have a wisdom behind it, to make me an even stronger individual. What is past is past, and though I won't dwell on it, I won't forget the events. Dwelling on something is like putting a huge rock in front of you, which means you know you can't pass over it, but you would still expect a miracle so that you would eventually be able to cross it, when at the end of the day, you wouldn't still be able to move forward.
When I keep bringing up my past, I'm not dwelling on it, but rather I treat it as a form of self-learning, in which I try to make sense of everything that had happened. I believe that no matter what, we cannot deny that it ever happened, right? So instead of simply wishing we could ever go back in time to rectify our mistakes and all, why not we just accept the fact that we are indeed born to, learn from the past? In a way, it's therapeutic.
Some of you might be wondering as to why I wrote this. Well there are some occurrences that actually sparked my emotions before but the one that I didn't initially expect it to trigger me that much was when I saw the initiative done by my friend who's currently doing her postgrad in Jordan. I was at first feeling elated at her approach in motivating hence inspiring our youths out there into becoming better Muslims. Then I saw the posters where she put each and every invited speaker's brief biography where in it contain their achievements in life. Here was where my emotions set off, but no, I am not criticising her nor her invited speakers. Just that when i saw it, I kinda ask myself, "Wait, just what are my achievements eh?" which was then being answered -of course by myself-, "No I don't have any."
Before I continue on, let me clarify that when I refer myself as a latebloomer, I do not mean that I am all smart or flawless now. No, and I do not in any way say that I am the equivalent of, say, Zulzawaid, Isa Zaini, Zahra, Akmal, Naufal, Zaid Ghazali, or even my current student body's President; Suhail. They are in their own league, while I am still carving out my path. It basically means that I am now all aware of what I am doing. I can now relate or put things into its place, better than before. I now do understand the importance of seeking, attaining and preserving good knowledge. Previously, whilst in Primary, Secondary and even Pre-U level, I could not care less of what I'll be taking (ie. the national exams or even the debates i entered). I still remembered one time when Hakim (famously known as Ibn Siddiq) showed me how 'bad' his results were for a subject i couldn't recall it now (I guess it was Sastera), I was totally astonished. He got 'A' kind of results but was still not happy as he thought that it was still low for him. I then gave him back his papers, went home as per normal, and hmm, did nothing to improve my score on that subject. In other words, my then aghast feeling was just a plain surprise (as he told me initially that his result was bad, when in fact it was not), nothing more; not motivated nor inspired, at all. Not because of the person or the results, but it was just my, well that was how bad my lateblooming story was.
To think again, my life back then was all plain and dull. I didn't study, didn't wanna mix that much with my friends, and the list just went on. I even made my first facebook account on my last day of school in Irsyad (at 17 years of age). Sometimes I wondered, how did i even survive living with that kind of mentality. Nevertheless, I am so grateful that He finally gives me the opportunity, to wake up, and to actually carve out or reshape my life. From not understanding a single Arabic Grammar; as to why this is considered Naib Fa-il, or that is considered Mudhof / Mudhof Ilaih, to actually being able to even teach others on the subject, even to those under the Arabic Language Faculty.
When I entered USIM (Islamic Science University of Malaysia), my class comprised of 'bapak hebat' students; both Masters' and PhDs'. There was even the Anugerah Pelajaran DiRaja student. It was as if I could hyperbolically see their future shines so bright. Well there were real researchers, working dentist, mathematicians, a lecturer and the list just goes on, but they were all so matured, and helpful too. For that, I thank Allah for this great opportunity. On a side note, there was even a course I participated in when I actually made friends with this Jordanian guy, who said that he would whip out the 'true' Mansaf dish for me (can't wait! hehe!).
Though unfortunately, the Anugerah Pelajaran DiRaja student, the researchers and the suave and good-looking dentist were not in the picture. (Who commented on my size on this 2 pictures, I shall throw a bag of belacan to you.hehe.)
Anyway, I have since deactivated my Instagram, Facebook and Twitter, only to retrieve both Fb and Twitter accounts 5 days after, for personal important reasons. All in all, I have actually learned a lot from being a latebloomer. I had learnt to be envious rather than a mere jealous or resentful. I had learnt to not be too hopeful, but rather doing your best in the most sincere way you can ever be. I had learnt also, not to be too judgemental over the people around me, and to always find the positivity in others. Ultimately, I had learnt that even if you are older than many others, you have to still be humble in every aspect of your life. Saifullah, Suhail, Sufyan, Ameen, Zaid and Firdaus are certainly younger than me, but undoubtedly, they are much better than me, in many ways and of course knowing a lot more than I do.
Though if there's one thing I disagree, is at the fact that some current students, just do not know some basic courtesy. Yes I am referring to what I've always stressed upon, that is, to at least say Thank You when your question(s) got addressed and/or answered. I am bewildered actually at the fact that the ones who do not have a religious background are the ones that at times, have one of the most respected trait. Yet, knowing and realising how low your worth is to many, you can't expect much. They should have their own commitments, and reasons. :)
Just that I would always remind myself to not do as such to others, even to the ones who had done it to me before. Well at least, my replying to their messages at their boredom, I hope might make them remember to pray for me (while they were scrolling down to their old whatsapp messages maybe), when I leave this world, soon.
اللهم أحيني ما كانت الحياة خيرًا لي، وتوفني إذا علمت الوفاة خيرًا لي
This, would suffice for now, insyaAllah.
Till the next post,
Wassalaamu'alaikum.
Insecure jugak ni. Rase nak give up.
ReplyDeleteTak perlu give up.. cume kne tabah untuk jadikan setiap mase susah dan tertekan kite sebagai satu batu loncatan.
Delete